When The Hurt Won’t Heal

True story: I’m laying in bed at 1 AM wide awake.

True story I wrote the same story years ago…

2020 has been a tough year for us all, for me personally it started with losing a pageant I had poured my heart and soul into literally, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Per usual I bounced right back And through my efforts into taking my business online developing this new website and my brand even deeper. And then Covid hit. So I threw myself into another pageant to distract me/numb the pain (I have realllly weird way of coping, well avoiding coping). Here in North Carolina gyms were shut down for six months after six months of trying to stay afloat I finally gave up. I meanwhile found out I was pregnant after years of trying (also knowing I can’t keep it going pregnant/as a new mom)
Fast forward to my 10 week ultrasound, all alone with the ultrasound tech (thanks Covid) in a cold, empty, sterile room hearing the words “ I’m sorry there is no heartbeat,” ripping my tough as nails soul apart. 
Back to pageant world. I’ll make sure my 30 something else looks just like my 20 something self back in my fitness show days (also part of my weird coping mechanisms). So we’re good. We have a goal, pageant laser focused. Good to go.

Husband gets offered a job in at the coast (he’s a cops, we can open that can of worms in another post), my studio is in the process of closing, we’ve always said we want to move to the beach... and away we go. 

Studio closes. Good thing we have this pageant (full of all sorts of distracting drama) to further distract us from the fact that 8.5 years of my blood, sweat and tears, not to mention my life and identity is closing as well... 

Pageant with all it’s drama is over (let me add I had a wonderful time and made awesome new friends) and I didn’t place. Like what? I thought I was in the running to win... I managed to pull off my 20 something fitness show bikini body once again... I worked months on this... it was my everything... needless to say it was a long 11 hour drive home from Florida...

And now we’re home, wait, it’s only home for another week. Cue freak out. I didn’t think about this. This place is the only home I’ve ever known I mean I grew up two streets down I was born another two streets down I moved in apartment two streets the other way I’ve lived in the same zip code my entire life... and this whole house needs to be packed up to go somewhere I don’t know… New church (not that I’ve been able to go in 6 months), knowing literally one couple.... I don’t have a job, like what do I do? Do I want to build another studio no wait that didn’t work maybe I teach dance I love dance, wait no maybe I’m too old, Integrative Health Online! Yes! Wait I can do that but it cost money to keep all this running, so I need to make sure I make money, and I need to get out of the house. I will train at another gym and build a new clientele! Oh seasonal part-time work that’s perfect I can meet people and still do Integrative Health online! Wait a second my whole life in front of me I can do whatever I want but I’m getting older I better figure it out now last chance only chance of a midlife crisis if I ever want to change careers now is the chance to do it. No pressure. Maybe I’ll be a cop too, maybe I could go back to school and get my cosmetology license, I do have a business degree maybe I could actually use that... no I love integrative Health, and training people but now or never...

And here we are now 1:30 in the morning...

Now let’s get to the good stuff. Why I’m even posting this. 


True story I’m great at willpower, most of the time. But after the third night of nailing 1/4 of the Costco bag of organic dark chocolate, after nailing 1/2 of my chocolate birthday cake, doughnuts and cinnamon rolls this past weekend the binge eating is back.

I’ve mastered my craft of distracting myself from my emotions, 20 different fitness shows 8 different pageants… but then when those distractions don’t work as “healthy” as I am you know no gluten no dairy as organic as possible blah blah blah... I’m laying here in bed with a tummy ache, which is distracting me from my heartache.

There is a reason I include spirituality and success mindset and my integrative health programs, it’s that important!

After my dad died, watching him suffer with cancer, somewhere between 10 and 15 fitness shows, this whole binge eating thing hit, back then it wasn’t organic binge eating and it was only on Sunday “cheat day” but I digress.

What got me through was recognizing my triggers (obviously emotions but peanut butter and cereal are food triggers I still have to watch for) but more importantly talking about it. I’ll be the first person to admit, and recommend therapy, for me talking about my feelings is not my strong suit, I’m great at listening I’m pretty great at advice and prayers as well, but I’d just rather not feel all the feels. However, I did admit on a blog post just like this, I too, am not perfect (I’m also a perfectionist if you haven’t guess which is that other trigger that’s the wild card, not nearly as predictable) and binge eating is a struggle for me too. 
And the healing came knowing I wasn’t alone. It helped knowing I wasn’t the only one not perfect through messages saying “me too,” and “I struggle too.” 
So I guess the point of this really really long post it’s somewhat selfish, but it’s the backstory why we, that’s you and me both, need to let go of the perfectionism, and deal with the nitty-gritty stuff that hurts. 
but most importantly it’s a reminder that I’m here for you yes for workouts and nutrition but I’m here to listen not from an ion no it all standpoint but from a let’s figure this out together place, because your body truly can’t heal until your heart does and I’m not sure it ever fully does but I know being a work in progress helps heal the hurt.


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